Netiquette, or 'How not to make threats and aggravate people'

As you can tell, I'm quite new to the blogging thing and the internet. I like the way that you can find out what everyone is thinking and, to me, it's nothing more than the way we used to get together down La Folie after we'd landed our catch and talk over what was happening in the island and give our opinions on different States members and decisions that were made - who was scratching whose back, and so on. But no matter how strong people's opinions were or how much we disagreed, we never fell out over stuff.

Even when we lost our moorings when they built the new marina, I can remember Roy Bullen, who was harbourmaster at the time, having a massive disagreement with Phil Larbalestier that ended with Phil unleashing a barrage of four-letter words towards the corner of the room where nobody was sitting. Of course, Roy took this to be a personal insult towards his good self but we managed to sort the whole problem out with a round of drinks and a shake of hands.

But now you look around at the blogs and because nobody is giving their opinions face to face, they think it is okay to resort to personal insults, sly innuendoes, or downright calumnies. They say stuff that if anyone had said in the back bar of the La Folie they would have been taken outside and flattened and given a dip in the briny for their troubles.

Now I'm not saying that I approve of violence in any form, except maybe when you're landing a six-foot conger that's wriggled off the gaff and has got his teeth in your wellie, but I think that if you're going to discuss politics and politicians, or even the other bloke whose opinion has got your back up, you should keep it polite and stick to the facts.

On other blogs I've seen people referred to as 'nutters', 'spivs', 'criminals', 'dykes', 'a***-lickers', etc, mostly by people who sign themselves as 'Anonymous'. What sort of a way to speak is that? Let me ask you a question: if you worked with someone and they kept referring to other people as 'nutters' or 'spivs', just because they held a different opinion to them, wouldn't you start to think that person themselves had some kind of personal problem, like a chip on their shoulder to do with their own life? I mean, are they so unhappy with their own life that they have to spend their spare time spilling their bile all over the interweb? Happy people just don't go round doing that sort of thing.

My advice is, keep a sunny disposition and look after your friends. The rest of the buggers can take care of themselves.

The only reason I mention this is that recently an acquaintance of mine asked me to look after his blog for a while and approve the comments. I did it for a couple of days but I must say that I was bloody disgusted by the filth that he was receiving. Now it could be that it wasn't real people sending this stuff in - it may have been some kind of spambot offering him Viagra and worse, but I don't understand why someone would send spam saying, 'I hope you die', unless it was from a private funeral agency.

Anyway, I'm just pointing out that you cannot believe everything you read on the internet, and if we had that many anonymous people on this island they'd have to set up a States department for Lost Souls, like in that book by that Russian bloke Googol. So when you read all those comments insulting people, written by people who cannot even spell or punctuate their sentences without using an ellipsis...no names mentioned..., just remember that it's not necessarily a real person who wrote it. It's probably some kind of robot that cannot think for itself but is just programmed to repeat the same things over and over again.

If in doubt, find another blog or forum where people actually respond to each other's ideas and try to reach a conclusion, rather than just running round and round each other shouting insults. When I was a kid, if an adult saw a bunch of kids behaving like that, they would've taken them by the scruff of the neck and separated them, whereas now it's the adults who behave like yobs and use foul language and call it 'political debate'.

Blogs like those are bringing the island into disrepute. I would prefer it if, like ancient Athens, the  island became a centre of democratic reasoning and impassioned debate, with people calmly putting forth the old pro and contra. Remember, those are your brothers and sisters you are talking about: tomorrow we could be fighting together against a common enemy, like Sparta (or, more likely, the EU). So say your piece, speak your brains out, but keep it civil. And next time I see you down the Bagot, I'll buy you a drink and shake your hand.

A Little Bit of Pakistan

I wandered down to Charing Cross yesterday and was up to my knees in water. It made me think what it must be like for those poor people in Pakistan. I went home and gave a small contribution to DEC. I notice that over on the mainland the ordinary people have given 30 million and the government has only given about the same. I hope our government in Jersey matches what our public has given, which will be about 90K if everyone gives the same as me. Not a lot to ask, even in these times of austerity.

Talking of government, I saw ex-Senator Stuart Syvret while I was wading across to the post office. He looked quite dejected in the rain, with a crumpled shirt, no wellies, and an old Checkers shopping bag covering his head to keep it dry. Unlike some people on dirty nasty blogs (whose name I will not mention here), I would never kick a man when he's down. In fact, I would never kick a man when he's up, given what happened to me the last time I tried. It was on St Catherine's breakwater and I launched out at a bloke who had taken my spot while I went for a jimmy-riddle. I slipped on some seaweed and broke my wrist and was unable to work for six weeks. It's amazing how misfortune in war can make a man a pacifist.

Anyway, I popped over to speak to Mr Syvret and we had a friendly conversation about his recent travails. I offered him any help I could give him because even though he seems to have a dodgy temperament, he was right on just about everything he said in the States, and since. I know how it goes on this island when you get on the wrong side of the authorities. Don't ask me about my planning application for my Plemont extension and my run in with Senator Le Main, because that's another story which I'll save for a later blog post.

Helping people when they are at a low point, sticking together in times of crisis - those are old-fashioned Jersey qualities. I wish they were a bit more prevalent today. There, but for the grace of God, go I (or Allah, Yahweh, Brahma - whoever tickles your fancy).